Life is, indeed, funny and unexpected.
Think about it, when I was a little girl, I didn’t dream of failed suicide attempts, having a pill addiction, nor having a few eating disorders. Those things were life rearing its, sometimes, impulsive head at me, and other times, it was life unveiling the beauty behind her aged mask to showcase that every action, has an equal and opposite, reaction.
When I was a little girl in Fremont, Indiana, I remember being outside on the soft emerald-colored grass surrounded by a new batch of farm kittens thinking about the day I would leave this place. I would be shrouded from anymore hurt and pain, no malicious force could touch me, for it would have to get through my knight in shining armor.
I would take meticulous care of my Barbie collection, as I dreamed of the day that a dark and handsome stranger would sweep me up on his ivory horse and take me to a castle somewhere that the naked eye hadn’t seen.
I wanted that happily every after, that so many little girls and boys dream about relentlessly.
As time moves forward, those dreams are dashed and fall in a chaotic heap; we are left with bitterness, isolation, and anger why we can’t have happiness.
Through life’s many interventions, we experience emotional upheaval, mental destruction, physical rejection and we’re left with this emptiness, as if we’re at the end of our rope and we have nothing to offer.
Desolation. Unwanted independence.
The fact is, this is just a reworking of our life; these are ways for us to retool our character; rework our inner most being.
A way to absolve all that negativity that we’re swarmed with and, in exchange, reformulate our inner most being into a positive powerhouse.
When I was at my lowest, when I couldn’t take anymore of my self-deprecating destruction, I was able to utilize myself.
I love the person I’ve become, because I fought to become her.
It doesn’t matter if I realized it or not, but I’ve always fought for her.
Being devalued? I fought for value.
Being ostracized? I fought for independence without conflict.
Being victimized by my rapist? I fought for freedom.
Being silenced? I fought for my voice to be heard.
Being an addict? I fought for these addiction-less days.
Being tormented? I fought for this relief.
Being kicked down? I fought for this victory.
I have fought hard to be this woman who I am now, and the snide comments from outside sources don’t bother this empowered woman I am now.
I KNOW my story.
I KNOW the pit of hell I was in.
I KNOW how far I have come as a woman, wife, mother, and human being.
I have come from bitterness, anger, desolation, rebellion, addiction, rape, and so much maliciousness. God and His/Her wonderful hand has been a support system in my emotional and spiritual journey.
I love my compassion, my intelligence, my quirks, my loud mouth, my artistry and I am never afraid to stand up for what I believe in.
I have fought hard to be this loving, concerned, patient woman.
And I absolutely love her.
I love her because I fought to become her.