It’s a Monday morning, and I’m enjoying some quiet time as my four children sleep in. I hear the soft whisper of rain on my windowsill. I hear the delicate roaring from the wind that hits my door and I feel tranquility and serenity as my 18-month-old German Shepherd is snuggled against my hip. All of these current pleasant sensations and pleasures are because of God.
This past week, I invited people who were once a part of my toxic-filled life, unintentionally, back into my life and two amazing things happened: 1.) I observed what the power of OUR words have (which isn’t a surprise), and the power of a TESTIMONY has and 2.) I observed how individuals chose perverse criticism with my current character, my relationship with God, and deflected ownership of past choices (which isn’t a huge surprise because the human psyche is built as one that is easier to critique others than to self-examine).
That was God sharing a teachable moment, not with just me, but with them as well — even if the handful of them deemed me the “bad guy” or the “malicious one”, they just haven’t realized God was using what I wrote and posted as a learning opportunity.
That’s okay — some folks learn at different speeds and some never really grasp self-examination. Lord, knows that I am my worst critic — it doesn’t matter how many years have passed, those people who I hurt in the past – even if I sought forgiveness from God and from the inflicted parties – I HAVE to live with the memories of hurting them.
I have to live with the passive-aggressive taunts I propelled their way; I have to live with my former vindictive nature; I have to live with being a bold bitch.
It doesn’t matter if my husband has forgiven me; it doesn’t matter if my closest allies that I hurt in Nebraska have forgiven me; I have to live with the chaos I caused.
But here’s the beauty of it all, even though I have those scarred memories from things I did or were done to me, I give those to God. I kill myself everyday and give that to Jesus Christ and, in turn, He has taken all of those bad experiences, the infliction I created, the deepest, darkest entities and addictions from my life and have turned them into this beautiful, patient, compassionate, and empowered woman.
It’s all God and nothing of me — because I took ‘self’ out of the equation.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. – 2 Corinthians 5:17